My Crown Has Been Stolen: Hair episodes

I had just gotten some gorgeous red highlights. I'll never forget that day because the excitement was high. I had been longing to change my style for quite some time, and I felt red highlights would be an amazing change. I had virgin hair so I was a little nervous about the process but decided to go ahead with this new hair adventure.
As the stylist began applying the chemical solution she raved and raved about the thickness, texture, health, and overall beauty of my hair. I was privileged to have been able to achieve many different hair styles, many different lengths, and my hair always maintained it's glory. I could not wait to see the final results. After a long process of heat and chemicals, to my delight, the highlights turned out to be absolutely stunning! My hair was transformed into a beautiful mixed shade that complimented my skin tone like pure perfection. To heighten the appeal I had the stylist bring the length to my shoulders in a sassy bob-like shape. Everyone loved it, especially me. That day I left the salon overjoyed. I was rocking a new look and had bought every hair product in the salon that promised to maintain my gorgeous mane. My confidence was unshakable.......so I thought.
Months passed and I continued to enjoy my red and brown streaked bob. I must have been in the mirror every five minutes gazing in sheer admiration, inventing different dos.....up, down, half up, curled, waved, stick straight, everything I could think to do. This was my daily routine until one day something changed, and it changed drastically. Suddenly, as if someone had flipped an internal switch, my scalp began to go haywire. I don't remember the exact day, but I awoke to find my scalp inflamed and bleeding. The entire crown of my head had broken out in puss filled bumps, some the size of dimes. The pain and itching almost pushed me to rip the very hairs from my head. I wish I could say that this was just one weird and unpredictable hair episode, but these mysterious bumps continuously appeared over a period of three years. From that day forward these hair episodes became a thorn in my side, a painful experience that I wasn't sure would end. Day to day, month to month the bumps would appear then disappear for a while only to flare up again without warning. Each time, my scalp was left scarred and as smooth as a marble stone. I'm not even sure where the hair went for I never saw it on my pillow or in my comb. It never came out in handfuls. It was as if my hair had evaporated into thin air. Wherever a bump appeared the hair disappeared and there was not a thing I could do to stop it. Where would I start? Trying desperately to determine the cause, my initial thoughts led me to believe that my scalp was suffering from an allergic reaction to the red highlights I had gotten. Now six months or so had passed since my trip to the salon, but I thought of nothing else as a possible cause in that moment. Over and over I asked myself, what's happening to my scalp?
Through the course of those three years I was in search for a possible cause which had yet to be revealed. I cried. I cried a lot. I cried not only for the state of my hair but for the state of my esteem. My hair was no longer the same, and neither was I.............

Full of my glory: How it use to be

As a child I was always doted on because of two things: my big brown eyes and my long thick black hair. People were astonished by the amount of hair I had on my tiny little head. I had enough for two people! As I got older, women began to envy me because of it and men loved me for it.
I have always been natural, never had a perm. I can remember sitting in the kitchen on my mother's "blue kit" as we called it. My mother would press my hair with a hot comb for what seemed like an eternity, making sure every little strand of hair was completely straight. I sat on that kit for many years until the middle caved in. I would say I was around the age of sixteen when I finally began to straighten my own hair using the plug-in electric comb.(Remember those?! Ok I'm feeling a little old.) With this new found independence and control came more frequent hair straightening and more scabs from burning my ears, fingers, scalp, and even my face! I started to miss those blue kit days. I may have been injured a bit but how beautiful and flowing the finished product appeared! People declared it had to be weave because according to popular belief, a black girl couldn't possibly have thick, long, beautiful hair. Needless to say I was pleased to trump that false belief as I allowed doubters to run their fingers through my long tresses. I felt proud and important. I felt beautiful. Now don't get me wrong. There's nothing improper about taking pride in your appearance, nothing wrong with having a healthy confidence in how you look. For me it went beyond that. It went deeper. I started to draw my self-esteem from the amount of hair I had. It became my glory, the one aspect of myself that I could look to when I was feeling low and insecure. Instead of viewing myself as a beautiful person with pretty hair, I saw myself as a girl who was beautiful because of the hair. I did not realize that my hair had become my idol, my sense of value and worth until it began to disappear. As it went I was left grappling for something to be proud of, something to make me feel beautiful and important. As the hair went so went my self-esteem.
Who would have thought? Something out of the blue, something I never expected would happen became my reality. My hair was falling out. Devastated, embarrassed, and confused I desperately wanted to know and understand what was happening. What was the cause of my hair loss? Was I sick? Will the hair ever grow back? Little did I know, the ultimate question that this journey would reveal, the answer that would matter the most, is where would my beauty come from now? It was time to find truth. Stay tuned........

Crown of My Head Intro: My journey to discovering self love, wholeness, and complete restoration

So here it is September 30, 2013 and this is my first blog of the year. So many things have happened up to this point, so many things I could write about. Although I have a well of experiences to draw from, today is the day that I decided to begin sharing my story. It is the story of a twelve year journey that I have been on, a journey that continues today. I am going to share my secret struggle that I'm sure many women and even men can relate to. It is the struggle to embrace who you are, to love yourself, to be whole and complete apart from the opinions of others. It is the struggle to see your true self as beautiful, to find this beauty, your identity, and a solid self-esteem apart from anything outward and embrace it! I will not only speak of the struggle, but I will tell of the victory and the glory that awaits on the other side of the pain. I will tell of the fears that I continue to fight against but also the strength and the courage I've gained. From the beginning up to this present moment, this is the story of the crown of my head, my story of how something as simple as my hair led me on a life changing journey to discovering self love, wholeness and restoration. My hair triggered my journey, but for you it could be something else you've lost that you depended on for a sense of identity and self-esteem. However your journey began, I pray that strength, courage, love, hope and whatever else one can receive from my story, comes forth through my transparency. To everyone who reads it, be blessed.

What Shall I Give

I decided to keep giving, to keep giving the most valuable and precious to those who come across my path and into my space. I decided to keep giving myself...............my smile, my laughter, my attention, my time. I decided to keep sharing my space, my thoughts, my advice, my opinions. I decided to keep giving my ideas and creativity. I'm giving my love. Whoo!! MY LOVE! I'm going to keep giving my love, the love that Grace extends to me. How precious is that! It's risky too, but it's worth it. This can seem to be a great task. I find it to be overwhelming when the dependence is on my strength alone. Only when my feelings, emotions, and hurts are the driving force behind my actions and responses does loving become frightening. But GRACE.........Grace meets me at every moment. As a matter of fact, Grace has met all of my days and always stands ready to extend the courage and strength needed to give of myself. Today, Grace met me and I'm free to give. I realize that granting someone or something the power to rip that freedom away from me is too costly. It's painful and it's irritating. I would rather release who I am openly, freely, and fully because my joy is found there. Will I be hurt in doing so? Probably. Nevertheless, I have found that there is nothing more painful than shutting myself off. It is like being enclosed in a cell and each wall and bar I build locks me in tighter and tighter. I can't breathe, I can't move, I can't express. It's a dark place, a lonely place. I can't stay there or I'll lose myself, my mind, my joy, my spunk. I announce that I am released from that place and I have moved to a place of freedom. I've moved to a fearless place. It's in this place that I laugh in spite of and smile in the midst of. I share my time with people. If you talk to me, I'll listen. You can cry on my shoulder or find peace in my embrace. I'll allow you to see what's inside of me because you need that. A vulnerable place it is, yet I am at my best here. I didn't get to this place on my own. Grace led me here as only He could. Only Grace can empower you and propel you past your pain and anger, past your fears and anxieties in order to fully give of yourself to others. In ourselves, we tend to hide in isolation for protection, but Grace grabs you by the hand, leads you out, and presents you as a beautiful and wonderful presence in the earth. Grace reminds you of your importance. Someone needs you. They need what only you can give, that which has been placed inside of you. Someone needs me. I don't want to hide anymore. I don't want to shield myself in fear any longer. So I won't............ I'll keep giving instead. I'll keep giving me.

Move with Grace

Beyond is what you didn't plan, what you couldn't see, what you couldn't even imagine. It's what nobody can stop. It's where Grace takes you.............it's destiny. Stop striving for far. Go beyond.


j.h.

In front of yesterday

Today I woke up feeling emotions of frustration and anger from thoughts of moments that I did not like and wished had never happened as well as moments that I did like but yet still wished had never happened. Just when I was on the brink of being consumed and settled into the whirlwind of my emotions, something very simple yet profound became very clear to me......so clear it made me smile. It dawned on me that I was standing in front of yesterday. Think about it. Anything that you stand in front of is behind you, and the only way you will ever be able to see it is if you turn around. Not only was yesterday behind me, but even now, seconds are behind me, minutes are behind me, hours are behind me. Days are behind me, weeks are behind me, months are behind me. Years are behind me, decades are behind me. I'm standing in front of yesterday, in front of my past and I don't have to turn around. A lot of times we allow our soul to lead us to a place of remembrance, and so we become consumed by tears we have already cried, pain we've already felt, angered we've already expressed, rejection we've already experienced. Gripped by the torment of what was and what happened, we fail to realize that the moment has passed and no longer exists. You're in front of it! All that has happened to me is behind me. I don't care if it happened a second ago. That second is gone and now I have the choice to either turn around or look ahead. This morning I decided to look ahead. Dreams made manifest are ahead of me, success is ahead of me, challenges are ahead of me. TRUE love is ahead of me and enemies are ahead of me. Laughter is ahead of me, smiles are ahead of me and tears are ahead of me. New friendships are ahead of me and the renewal of old friendships are ahead of me. Joy is ahead of me and pain is ahead of me. I embrace it all for all that I encounter strengthens me, matures me, changes me, challenges me. All I experience will reveal a side of Grace that I've never seen before. Life's moments expose who I am, where I am strong, where I am weak. So yes, I embrace it all. Sometimes I'll remember to let go of yesterday's residue whether good or bad to experience the fullness of a fresh moment, a new time. Other times I will fail to do so. When I fail, rest assure I will be reminded of where I stand. I'll begin to see clearly. This morning, just when I was on the brink of being consumed and settled into the whirlwind of my emotions, something very simple yet profound became very clear to me: I wasn't strong enough in moments all the time, but today I am strong enough to stand in front of yesterday.


j.h.

Beneficial Thinking

I've been told that I think too much as if it's a bad thing to be a thinker. I do think quite a bit and it has served to be both beneficial and detrimental in different instances. Because I am a thinker I see the deep when others see the surface, I understand what others find confusing, and I see a perspective that they haven't a clue about. I go to deep places which makes me capable of experiencing a level of passion, intimacy, and revelation beyond belief once I let myself freely flow in that place. I believe that the issue is not about how much I think, its important how I think. How I think can either lead me to beautiful places and bring clarity or it can lead me to a place of despair and confusion. Lately, the more I think the more I see who I really am, what I deserve, the consequence of my actions, my worth. I see what I really want and what I do not want. Most importantly I see just how simple things are and the ways I complicate them. I see that I really shouldn't have a care in the world. I care when I should be resting, I fear what ifs when I should be sure of what is. I reject pain when I should embrace it, I hold on when I should let go. Simply put I can see myself and my need to rest in something greater than me, something greater than my weaknesses, flaws and failures, greater than the opinions and thoughts of others, even greater than my own self perception. That something for me is actually a someone........Grace a.k.a Jesus. I am on a continuous journey of learning to rest in Grace. Part of this resting journey includes guarding not how much I think but how I think. So far my journey has included a few ups and downs, twists and turns, pleasant and unpleasant surprises, and a few emotional bruises. Nevertheless, I must say that the experience is absolutely beautiful because the journey of resting in Grace will always reveal how much you are loved and absolutely adored by God...........amazing and quite beneficial. I think I'll think on that some more. :-)


j.h.