Giving in the NOW

It is amazing how empowered you feel once your gifts have been given an assignment. There's a freedom that comes when you believe  that you have something to give right here, right now, right where you are. One moment, one idea, one phrase can be transformed into a beautiful vision that will soon manifest in the form of an event, maybe a book, a song, or even a movement. I myself had no idea that one phrase uttered from my mouth on a Sunday afternoon would open the chambers of my creative mind, that a seed would be summoned to spring forth and bear the fruit of my calling.

Many await a sign or big event to announce their significance not realizing that the moment has already come. Something spectacular happened the day you were born and each moment of your life yields the opportunity to express the heart, the genius, creativity, and beauty of The Creator. You can express the thought of the supreme being.

There's an expression the earth awaits that can only come from you. Whoever you are, wherever you may be, my prayer is that your eyes will be opened so that you can see what you have in your hands. What you have now is more than enough.

What will you share today?

I'm awake!

It's amazing how purpose begins to unfold from moments that you thought were routine and people that you may have been drawn to but never considered the connection. In this instant I have a knowing that nothing happens for nothing. The meaning may be hidden, but at the right time, that which was meant for you to receive will begin to beautifully bloom right before your eyes. Suddenly it makes sense why you went to that particular place, why you chose to read a certain book, and the reason why a particular person stood out to you from among the rest. As I think about all the things, people, and events I've been drawn to in the past and present I am able to see what I discovered about myself. My encounters revealed my mental and emotional state, my level of maturity, my scars, and wounds that required healing. Most importantly, I can see how our choices are connected to something greater than our comprehension. I feel more in tune, more aware of myself and my life in this moment more than ever. To know that all things I've experienced whether its been a person, place, or thing has brought me to my present level of maturity, love and understanding, ushers in an amazing atmosphere of freedom that I didn't think possible. I feel more alive and motivated to pay attention to that which draws me, that inspires me for then I can learn much more about myself, what I need, what I have to give, where I'm heading. When taking inventory on our experiences we tend to focus on the pain failing to see the purpose and acknowledge the lessons of it all. I would never have understood my process and how it's joined to my purpose. I wouldn't be fully awakened to my journey. Instead of despising the past, I'm awakened to the benefits of every pain, the blessings and lessons from each relationship, the precious moments that will never be lost from memory, and I firmly hold on to the wisdom gained and the love birthed in me.

As I sit comfortably in my living room I am privileged and honored to not only be alive but to be awake. Life really is a beautiful encounter when you are awakened to the fact that everything can somehow work out beautifully for your good once you open your eyes to the glorious traces of God. It's then that you're able to see yourself clearly, a unique expression of the pure genius of the Creator.
No longer stumbling along in a zombie like trance, free from the routine of idleness outside of daily responsibility, I am no longer without an understanding and connection to my own existence. For this reason, I am grateful for all things.


j.h.

New season

So here it is four months into the new year, four months into a new season of my life's journey. I have this incredible urge to push past the normal mundane routine I've become accustomed to and dive into my passion. There is something at the core of my being wanting so desperately to come forth. Like an expecting woman, a seed has been realized, nourished, and now ready to be birthed.  I've always been a dreamer, had desires to do great things, but now I can no longer pretend to be in love with my job, acting as if I'm fulfilled. Looking back I recognize signs that purpose was pulling at my core, ready to bridge the gap between my career and my calling, aligning all that is within me to fulfill destiny.

 I remember sitting in one supervisor's office chatting about the job. He asked me to describe different projects that I would like to be involved in that would make me feel my talents were being utilized. I sat quietly in deep thought. After a moment I was only able to list two things I could contribute in my current position. I wasn't aware then but later I became conscious of the fact that purpose was beckoning me. I could list multiple desires deep within, dream seeds that I could envision and not one of them had anything to do with my current career. A decision would have to be made.

And so it begins.....

Year Twelve:Today's Victory

From 2005 up to this present day I've learned a very important lesson about the process of healing..........what you believe is superior to how you feel. Establishing a belief system was extremely vital to the transformation of my soul for it would serve as my anchor and defense against unpredictable tides of emotion. There were many days along the way where fear, doubt, disappointment, and anger began to rise from the depths of my being. My belief was challenged on every side. The task of aligning my thoughts, words, and actions concerning the matter seemed at best impossible. It was in those moments that I acquired skill and began to practice the art of resting. In this rest I discovered peace, strength, grace, and confidence that somehow gain would outweigh loss.
I've discovered so much within, many wonderful things. The beauty of it all is that this journey continues and it just keeps getting better and better. I had no idea that hair loss would serve as a vehicle to freedom and inner healing. The ride may not be smooth, but my belief is that the destination will be worth the travel.

The twelth year is almost to an end. Although the crown of my head still remains hairless, there has been tremendous progress. I've been committed to maintaining an attitude of thankfulness. The more I remain thankful for what I have, the less preoccupied I am with what I lack. Instead of neglecting that which was left, I decided to nourish it the best way possible. For the first couple of months of this year I continued to wear my hair pulled back in bun styles and ponytails. To relieve the stress on my hair from the constant pulling, I purchased a few wigs to help with protective styling. On wig wearing days I apply deep conditioners and moisturizers. I made the mistake of wearing wigs years ago without taking care of my natural hair. Back then wigs were used as a means only to make me feel pretty, to cover my shame and provide security. Today I have a new perspective, a new motive. I use wigs as a protective style when I want to deep condition and moisturize my hair and also as an outlet for my sassy personality, to sport different styles and colors without damaging my natural hair as it continues its healing process. Hair has become a fun creative expression for me, not the essence of my beauty. Amazingly to me, as I continue to grow and heal, the hair does the same although its no longer my focus.

What great joy it is to be able to place my hand on my empty crown and still feel beautiful, a priceless moment that took years to reach. As the journey carries on I fight to keep the freedom that comes from a healthy self-esteem, a healthy self-image and identity. I do not want to go back to that place of insecurity, that place where my worth and beauty was equated to the state of my hair. There will always be those who feel the need to voice their opinions about how I should wear my hair, what they like the best, what they view as beautiful. Along with that comes the fight against my own emotions, when I long to wear the beautiful natural styles that I see all around me but can't. That is when I remind myself of what really matters. With or without it I am free, I am beautiful, and I am loved.

The Pivotal Year

I spent nine years trying my best to care for my hair. It went from phases of flourishing thickness and length on the outskirts of my crown to repeated breakage and thinning. By this time I solely relied on hair extensions, trying desperately to ignore the condition beneath.Then came 2012.

I remember one of my last trips to the salon for a sew-in weave. As the beautician began to prep my hair, I looked over in the mirror and gasped at the sight before me. My hair was at its lowest point. My head was almost bare. Tears began to form. I felt helpless because I knew that if I continued with the sew-ins there would ultimately be nothing left, but I felt pretty, this was my only option.

My sister just so happened to be down for a visit and was waiting for me at my apartment. I found her sitting on the bed in my room excited to see the hairstyle I had chosen. I sat down beside her, laid my head on her shoulder and released the floodgate of tears that had been held hostage within while getting my hair done. I couldn't reveal my vulnerabilities in front of the beautician or anyone else on the outside, but my sister, she was my safe place. We both felt helpless. I knew she hated to see me hurt, but despite my tears she looked at me and spoke words of truth. "Jenni, you have to take the weave out. I don't know whats gonna happen when you do, or how you'll be able to wear it, but it must come out." She was right. I had known that for a while, but I was not ready to relinquish my source of esteem. It was time to let it go and rediscover my true worth, value, and beauty. That was the true source of my pain.

February 2012, Super Bowl weekend to be exact, the sew-in weave came out and I was ready to embrace a self-esteem apart from hair. With the weave gone, I was able to discover something new! As I stood before the mirror, to my surprise fragile spiral curls were reflected back at me. Where did this hair come from! It had never been so curly. Miraculously, I was able to gather the curly strands and place them in a ponytail. It literally felt like I had five hairs left on my head from all the damage and stunted growth. With very little idea of how to style my new curls, I took it one day at a time and did the best I could. Because the crown of my head remained bald, there were limits to the styles that could be achieved. My sister would try to help but the hair was still so thin and fragile. For the entire year I rocked a bun or a pony. I did high ones, low ones, front, back, and side to side. My hair was free.......now it was my turn.

At first it was very difficult becoming accustomed to wearing my natural hair. There were moments when I really did not want to wear another bun or pony. Despite those feelings, I forged forward. As time passed a desire to be free from the small minded concepts of beauty from others as well as myself was birthed in me. I focused on the internal, the state of my mind and my emotional well-being. I established a belief, a foundation that would not be moved by the turbulent ups and downs of emotions. My belief? I am beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made by The Creator. I have unique gifts and talents placed within my being to share with all those around me. My smile is beautiful, my laugh contagious. My sexy appeal flows from within. I exude that appeal with confidence even when my hair is pulled back. It is not my hair, it is the Spirit from within that makes me who I am. I am special, I am loved. I am a beautiful vision of chocolate filled with God's glory. I am an ever changing, ever growing woman of excellence. I am Jennifer Holiday.

Let the Healing Begin: Facing truth

As time continued to pass I decided to make a choice. After dealing with the questions that had been swirling around in my head about where to place blame and whether there would ever be a cause revealed, I chose to hold on to hope. I remember being in my room having a conversation with God. That day I felt a unique strength, a strong arm of support lifting me up. This day I did not cry like the previous times before. With my eyes lifted up I let it be known that I still believed in miracles, I hoped in the impossible. Though my faith wavered at different moments from the sting of pain, it was not utterly destroyed. At some point along the way hope had taken its root and could not be easily broken. Because of this firm foundation, I could not give up.

Finally, in 2005 the continuous breakouts ceased. The bumps disappeared, never to return again. From that moment to this present day my scalp has been free from any sort of irritation. While I rejoiced in that portion of healing, I was yet quite aware of the emptiness left behind. The entire crown of my head was bald and scarred. This became a secret that was exclusively shared with my immediate family. Though I had the hope to believe in the miraculous, I could hardly bear the weight of the shame. I didn't want anyone to see the condition of my hair. I didn't have the courage to reveal the truth. What would people think? What would they say? Would I still be desirable to a man if he knew? So many questions and many emotions came flooding through my being. At times I allowed negative thoughts to invade my mental and emotional peace. I would weep at those moments, frustration burning within me. It was no easy task concealing the truth. It was sometimes stressful, but in that same vein I discovered a level of creativity that had been hidden. I was able to cover my crown, painting the illusion that a full head of hair still existed. That would be my routine for now.......paint the illusion, keep the secret.

I became extremely skilled at covering the outside. Wigs and hair extensions became my means to achieving numerous hairstyles which served as an outlet to my creative personality. The problem was I felt pretty only when the truth was veiled. The more my hair disappeared the more I began using extensions as my source of security and self-esteem, an old familiar practice of mine. That was the red flag. Without a doubt a root issue still remained, an issue greater than the hair loss itself. The time had come to face and deal with that which the scalp condition illuminated more than ever. Another level of freedom and healing awaited.

If I Only Knew: The Diagnosis

As time continued, the hair loss began to inch its way up from the crown of my head to the front of my hair line. There was even a spot in the lower portion of my head where the hair had completely disappeared. After about a month, I decided to see a hair specialist. I had tried product after product but to no avail, the condition grew worse. It seemed that the slightest touch of a finger triggered the outbreak. Unable to wash, condition, and moisturize as usual, my mane was left dry, brittle, and sparse.
To soothe my scalp my mother would take a Q-tip and drain the puss and blood from the bumps. It hurt us both to see my hair in this condition, neither one of us knowing exactly what to say. My mother had taken quite good care of my hair from childhood to teen years, and she had trained me how as well. But as the days rolled by, it became very clear that I was dealing with something more than a little scalp irritation. Medicated shampoo and a little bit of olive oil were no match for this. We felt helpless.
I arrived to the specialist's office nervous and anxious. A part of me felt relieved because diagnosis would soon be revealed. I don't recall the doctor's name, but what I do remember is the expression that formed on his face at the sight of my scalp. I sensed he felt sorry for me and knew there weren't any comforting words that could be said at the moment. Rather than making any futile attempts, he simply began to explain the procedure that would be performed. Different areas of my scalp would be scrapped including the bumps. Once the samples were collected, they would be sent to a lab to be tested for fungal or bacterial infection. I could expect the results in a few days. A huge weight was lifted because in my mind knowing the cause helps one move on to accepting the possible outcome. It was the unknown that was eating at my very being. Most of the time when things happen, all we really want to know is why.
Finally the day had come, the results were in. It seemed like an eternity passed waiting for those results. I was beyond anxious. As I sat down in the office I noticed that the doctor appeared to be a bit baffled, an obvious look of confusion across his face. Fumbling with the papers in front of him, he proceeded to tell me that all the tests came back negative. Nothing was found, no fungus, no bacteria, no trace of a disease. Clueless, he had no diagnosis for me. My heart dropped. There was nothing he could do for me except prescribe antibiotics. That was it.
Left hanging without comfort or assurance of a possible turn around, I went home more devastated than before. Hopeless and just plain disappointed, I had no idea whether or not this present state was the worst I would see or if more hair loss would run its complete course through my tresses. Slowly, painfully, assuredly, time would reveal.............