Let the Healing Begin: Facing truth

As time continued to pass I decided to make a choice. After dealing with the questions that had been swirling around in my head about where to place blame and whether there would ever be a cause revealed, I chose to hold on to hope. I remember being in my room having a conversation with God. That day I felt a unique strength, a strong arm of support lifting me up. This day I did not cry like the previous times before. With my eyes lifted up I let it be known that I still believed in miracles, I hoped in the impossible. Though my faith wavered at different moments from the sting of pain, it was not utterly destroyed. At some point along the way hope had taken its root and could not be easily broken. Because of this firm foundation, I could not give up.

Finally, in 2005 the continuous breakouts ceased. The bumps disappeared, never to return again. From that moment to this present day my scalp has been free from any sort of irritation. While I rejoiced in that portion of healing, I was yet quite aware of the emptiness left behind. The entire crown of my head was bald and scarred. This became a secret that was exclusively shared with my immediate family. Though I had the hope to believe in the miraculous, I could hardly bear the weight of the shame. I didn't want anyone to see the condition of my hair. I didn't have the courage to reveal the truth. What would people think? What would they say? Would I still be desirable to a man if he knew? So many questions and many emotions came flooding through my being. At times I allowed negative thoughts to invade my mental and emotional peace. I would weep at those moments, frustration burning within me. It was no easy task concealing the truth. It was sometimes stressful, but in that same vein I discovered a level of creativity that had been hidden. I was able to cover my crown, painting the illusion that a full head of hair still existed. That would be my routine for now.......paint the illusion, keep the secret.

I became extremely skilled at covering the outside. Wigs and hair extensions became my means to achieving numerous hairstyles which served as an outlet to my creative personality. The problem was I felt pretty only when the truth was veiled. The more my hair disappeared the more I began using extensions as my source of security and self-esteem, an old familiar practice of mine. That was the red flag. Without a doubt a root issue still remained, an issue greater than the hair loss itself. The time had come to face and deal with that which the scalp condition illuminated more than ever. Another level of freedom and healing awaited.