Year Twelve:Today's Victory

From 2005 up to this present day I've learned a very important lesson about the process of healing..........what you believe is superior to how you feel. Establishing a belief system was extremely vital to the transformation of my soul for it would serve as my anchor and defense against unpredictable tides of emotion. There were many days along the way where fear, doubt, disappointment, and anger began to rise from the depths of my being. My belief was challenged on every side. The task of aligning my thoughts, words, and actions concerning the matter seemed at best impossible. It was in those moments that I acquired skill and began to practice the art of resting. In this rest I discovered peace, strength, grace, and confidence that somehow gain would outweigh loss.
I've discovered so much within, many wonderful things. The beauty of it all is that this journey continues and it just keeps getting better and better. I had no idea that hair loss would serve as a vehicle to freedom and inner healing. The ride may not be smooth, but my belief is that the destination will be worth the travel.

The twelth year is almost to an end. Although the crown of my head still remains hairless, there has been tremendous progress. I've been committed to maintaining an attitude of thankfulness. The more I remain thankful for what I have, the less preoccupied I am with what I lack. Instead of neglecting that which was left, I decided to nourish it the best way possible. For the first couple of months of this year I continued to wear my hair pulled back in bun styles and ponytails. To relieve the stress on my hair from the constant pulling, I purchased a few wigs to help with protective styling. On wig wearing days I apply deep conditioners and moisturizers. I made the mistake of wearing wigs years ago without taking care of my natural hair. Back then wigs were used as a means only to make me feel pretty, to cover my shame and provide security. Today I have a new perspective, a new motive. I use wigs as a protective style when I want to deep condition and moisturize my hair and also as an outlet for my sassy personality, to sport different styles and colors without damaging my natural hair as it continues its healing process. Hair has become a fun creative expression for me, not the essence of my beauty. Amazingly to me, as I continue to grow and heal, the hair does the same although its no longer my focus.

What great joy it is to be able to place my hand on my empty crown and still feel beautiful, a priceless moment that took years to reach. As the journey carries on I fight to keep the freedom that comes from a healthy self-esteem, a healthy self-image and identity. I do not want to go back to that place of insecurity, that place where my worth and beauty was equated to the state of my hair. There will always be those who feel the need to voice their opinions about how I should wear my hair, what they like the best, what they view as beautiful. Along with that comes the fight against my own emotions, when I long to wear the beautiful natural styles that I see all around me but can't. That is when I remind myself of what really matters. With or without it I am free, I am beautiful, and I am loved.