The Pivotal Year

I spent nine years trying my best to care for my hair. It went from phases of flourishing thickness and length on the outskirts of my crown to repeated breakage and thinning. By this time I solely relied on hair extensions, trying desperately to ignore the condition beneath.Then came 2012.

I remember one of my last trips to the salon for a sew-in weave. As the beautician began to prep my hair, I looked over in the mirror and gasped at the sight before me. My hair was at its lowest point. My head was almost bare. Tears began to form. I felt helpless because I knew that if I continued with the sew-ins there would ultimately be nothing left, but I felt pretty, this was my only option.

My sister just so happened to be down for a visit and was waiting for me at my apartment. I found her sitting on the bed in my room excited to see the hairstyle I had chosen. I sat down beside her, laid my head on her shoulder and released the floodgate of tears that had been held hostage within while getting my hair done. I couldn't reveal my vulnerabilities in front of the beautician or anyone else on the outside, but my sister, she was my safe place. We both felt helpless. I knew she hated to see me hurt, but despite my tears she looked at me and spoke words of truth. "Jenni, you have to take the weave out. I don't know whats gonna happen when you do, or how you'll be able to wear it, but it must come out." She was right. I had known that for a while, but I was not ready to relinquish my source of esteem. It was time to let it go and rediscover my true worth, value, and beauty. That was the true source of my pain.

February 2012, Super Bowl weekend to be exact, the sew-in weave came out and I was ready to embrace a self-esteem apart from hair. With the weave gone, I was able to discover something new! As I stood before the mirror, to my surprise fragile spiral curls were reflected back at me. Where did this hair come from! It had never been so curly. Miraculously, I was able to gather the curly strands and place them in a ponytail. It literally felt like I had five hairs left on my head from all the damage and stunted growth. With very little idea of how to style my new curls, I took it one day at a time and did the best I could. Because the crown of my head remained bald, there were limits to the styles that could be achieved. My sister would try to help but the hair was still so thin and fragile. For the entire year I rocked a bun or a pony. I did high ones, low ones, front, back, and side to side. My hair was free.......now it was my turn.

At first it was very difficult becoming accustomed to wearing my natural hair. There were moments when I really did not want to wear another bun or pony. Despite those feelings, I forged forward. As time passed a desire to be free from the small minded concepts of beauty from others as well as myself was birthed in me. I focused on the internal, the state of my mind and my emotional well-being. I established a belief, a foundation that would not be moved by the turbulent ups and downs of emotions. My belief? I am beautiful, fearfully and wonderfully made by The Creator. I have unique gifts and talents placed within my being to share with all those around me. My smile is beautiful, my laugh contagious. My sexy appeal flows from within. I exude that appeal with confidence even when my hair is pulled back. It is not my hair, it is the Spirit from within that makes me who I am. I am special, I am loved. I am a beautiful vision of chocolate filled with God's glory. I am an ever changing, ever growing woman of excellence. I am Jennifer Holiday.